Totally Awesome Movie Party ONLINE

I'm Through With White Girls

2008-09-26T14:56:00.001-07:00

Last night I was searching movies on surf the channel and just happened to come by this great piece of art. I mean I'm sure every guy can relate to how Jay Brooks is feeling... white girls are lame.

The beginning starts off with white girls reading Jay's breakup notes. It's pretty awesome to watch all these extremely pale girls with glasses and outfits from Forever 21 or Anthropologie in tears. Jay is afraid of commitment, he's immature, and he's a badass graphic novelist. Oh man.

So basically he comes up with this idea for 'operation brown sugar'. Yeah that's right. OPERATION BROWN SUGAR. Jay ends up with this stupid girl named Catherine (who isn't even THAT black... Obama anyone???!!). She's got stupid dread weaves that are stupid colors. The only good line in this movie is when he first meets her and says "Hey. I didn't know black girls could grow blue hair!" Then they get in a fight or something... You know how those romantic comedies go.

This movie attempted to be politically edgey, but it wasn't very good at that. Plus he didn't even get a hot black girl. I'd rather watch Hitch.

$$

Go get some

2008-09-09T02:33:00.001-07:00

Some indie films go out of their way to be over-dramatic and quirky. The Go-Getter is no exception.

After the death of his mother, Mercer (Lou Taylor Pucci) decides he needs to find his estranged brother. He steals a car from Kate (the always delicious Zooey Deschanel) and hits the road on a "trip" through places his brother has been or thought to be. On the way he meets up Joelly(Jena Malone) a girl he went to middle school with who is a shitty person, but very hot. Also during this time he falls in love with Kate whom he has been talking to on her cellphone that she had in the car he stole. Since Zooey Deschanel so far can only play uber liberated characters, she is fully understanding of his situation and finds him endearing.

I enjoyed this movie, even though its regurgitated indie garbage. Most likely because I like watching Zooey Deschanel be typecast once again, and also seeing most of Jena Malone's backside was pretty rad.

$$

DO YOU TRUST ME?????

2008-08-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

What can I say about this movie? I have no idea, because I just woke up and don't remember watching this movie at all. There is a girl laying next to me covered in vomit and I don't think she's breathing. I think I pissed my pants and I can't tell if the vomit on my shirt and face is hers or mine. Anyways, I woke up with this movie in my dvd player(is this even my house). Which means I'm pretty sure I watched this movie last night, but I can't remember a thing. The dvd menu is fucking awesome though, there is this magic carpet flying all over this place and some fucking sweeeeet music looping every 15 seconds. There are random scenes that play in the menu and from what I can tell it's a cartoon. Not bad, not bad, I've seen better dvd menus in my time though.

Uhhh, lets see... The back of the dvd case says it's a magical journey of a beggar(Aladdin voiced by samuel l jackson, I think) who finds a lamp. Apparently it's not just any old lamp, it's a magical lamp that if you rub the right way, robin williams cums out(haha, see what I did there, genius). Anywho, the girl that I thought was dead has just woken up and is asking about some payment... I think for the dvd, but I can't be sure as there is blood all over my boxers and from her crotch.

Anyways, the dvd menu is pretty solid, but I'm not sure if it's TAMP material. With that said, the movie must have been amazing from all the empty bottles of booze laying around my parents basement(where I live) and all the cocaine splatter everywhere. So the movie gets a $$$$$, but the menu gets a disappointing $$.

Pimpin' aint eazy

2008-08-21T00:11:00.001-07:00

Mix one part Heathers, one part American Pimp, and top it off with a shot of the Babysitters Club, and you get, ummmm "The Babysitters". The directoral debut by writer-director David Ross.

The Babysitters stars newcomer Katherine Waterston as Amy. Amy is a smart, mousy high school senior just trying to make extra money for college by doing the normal high school girl job. Madame/Prostitute, by way of babysitting. She starts out innocent enough until having an affair with the married father(the once important John Leguizamo) of the child she is watching. His guilt everytime he commits statch(new term for statuatory rape, get used to it) leads him to paying Amy for "babysitting". She then gets the brilliant idea to hire a fleet of young girls and becomes the Heidi Fleiss of high school.

I thought this movie was enjoyable because it was short. If this was longer than 90 minutes I probably wouldnt score it as high as I am. It was well acted and had some sweet pimp-ette smack down moments while still remaining dramatic.

check it out on dvd.
$$$

Wanted: Badass Angelina Jolie...IN MY PANTS!

2008-08-17T12:03:00.000-07:00

Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman lead a Fraternity of Assassains who can curve bullets and heal from severe injuries in hours instead of days who take in their newest member, a dorky loser. OK so who doesn't dream of that happening to them? This ridiculous adaptation of a comic I've never read, by that Russian guy, Timur something really Russian, that directed Night Watch (which I saw, and liked) and Day Watch (which I haven't scene yet), is a non stop thrill ride that is pure fun. Its stupid, borderline retarded, but I really enjoyed the insane action sequences, and they did attempt to explain things so that it was half way plausible. Morgan Freeman says the F word a few times, which for some reason seems notable. There's lots of twists and turns that I don't want to spoil so I won't go much further into it. This would be a great Totally Awesome Movie Party with something like Crank. I give it a $$$$, definitely rent it when it hits DVD.

Pour me another pint of "Dead Guy"!

2008-08-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

Finally, a really good killer crocodile movie!!! It only took, what, 20 tries, before some one actually got it right. The man who got it right is Wolf Creek director, Greg McLean. I had a hate/love relationship with Wolf Creek, I hated the pointless first half of the movie, and I loved the totally awesome second half of the movie. Rogue takes a little while to get going as well, but this time we're treated to gorgeous shots of the Australian Outback while we get to know our cast of characters. Rogue is the tale of a tourist boat ride through the Outback gone wrong. We've got our mysterious man, who looks a lot like Luke Perry, a terminally ill mother, her teenage daughter, and the jackass Dad, a sad middle aged man who's back story is a nice little reveal later in the movie, a douchebag photographer, the female captain, etc. A lot of this movie is a touching blow job to Jaws. If you've watched Jaws 50 times like I have you'll recognize many of the shots when it comes to our big bad salt water croc. From the point of view, underwater shots, to even a swap out of yellow inflatible life preservers for the famous yellow barrells on the Orca. Its obvious it wasn't done as a rip off, but an homage the greatest creature feature of all time. The croc effects are by far the best ever done, which doesn't mean they still don't look fake at times, but its scary, fast, menacing, and most importantly behaves as a croc would. DEATH ROLLS! McLean also did a nice job of holding off on showing the croc for the most part; makes it scarier that way. The nature shots could be used for a documentary, they're that pretty. So this movie works on a couple of different levels. One thing it isn't, is gory. Its toted as UNRATED WITH BLOOD DRIPPING ALL OVER THE FREAKIN' PLACE, yeah everywhere, but the movie itself. There's a couple grusome bits at the end, but its hardly anything to advertise the way they did. Its a cheap ploy, but hopefully it'll get more people to watch this awesome film, because it doesn't disappoint. Not totally awesome, but a $$$$ for sure!

keep it in the family

2008-08-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

This movie is kind of gross. A father having sex with his daughter. A jock who masturbates constantly and wonders if his penis is small, and last but not least, Edie Falco nude(actually the body isn't bad).

The story focuses on Dot played by Camilla Belle (the green eyed girl from 10,000 BC aka the worst movie of 2008). Dot is recently orphaned when her deaf father is hit by a car. She then goes to live with her daughter fucking godfather and pill popping godmother. Dot has been pretending to be deaf/mute since she was 7. She is socially awkward and stares a lot. When her new daddy banger sister, played by Elisha Cuthbert stumbles upon her secret, she starts revealing her own since Dot is deaf, right?

For what I what consider a B-Movie and not an indie, I guess this wasnt too bad. Camilla Belle is at her best when she isn't speaking. The father-daughter love affair was super creepy and kept me cringing.

i wouldnt say you should rent this, maybe just watch it on Cinemax or whatever
$$

get lost, boys

2008-08-15T12:35:00.001-07:00

With the hype from the Corey's reality show and the 20th Anniversary Edition dvd, we finally get a sequel to Lost Boys. Unfortunately this is it. Basically what they did was copy the original story, but add another sibling as a possible vampire. To help keep the story even more familiar they recruited Keifer Sutherland's retarded half brother to play the head vampire. His ability to spew out mumbled dialogue is not much different than when Marlon Brando played Don Vito Corleone, except Angus Sutherland is a horrible actor.

What saves this movie truly was the gore, and the Core. Corey that is, Corey Feldman, who reprises his role as vampire hunter Edgar Frog. His performance was so over the top, that if they would have focused the movie about him it would have made this film Totally Awesome. Look for Corey Haim, but not too hard.

I give this movie
$$
but I would suggest watching it for pure nostalgia

2008-08-14T01:35:00.000-07:00

If you life black people(if you don't you're a fucking racist) and basketball(if you don't you're a communist), than you're love the shit out of CrossOver. A movie based on TRUE events of a young couple of black besties(best friends) who struggle with keepin it real.

I've watched this movie twice, once by myself and the second time by forcing my friend not to change the channel when it was on cable for some reason. Both times I walked away with tears in my eyes and a stiff sack of meat in my pants.

I've heard a lot of people say this movie is shit, and I completely agree. That is if by shit, they meant awesome and it came out of gods asshole to be praise amongst common man, than yes this movie is shit(with a scent of JAWESOME in the air).

I can only compare this movie, to another that I've never seen, Citizen Kane. Yea that's right, it's epic as fucking shit(out of Gods asshole).

This movie is so awesome, that it has the most distracting cast member I've ever seen in a movie, Wayne Bradie. If you don't know who Wayne Bradie is, than good luck in jail, because you're obviously a child molester that was too busy molesting children to know who Wayne Bradie is. He's suppose to be the "bad" guy or some shit, but every time he was on screen, I was just waiting for him to pick someone out of the audience and sing to them. This movie was the number one, out of the bottom 100 on IMDB(for like acouple months I think). If you look at the bottom 100 as movies to not watch, than you're retarded. You're missing out on some of the best movies ever made. It beats the shit out of the top 100, and CrossOver is a prime example of this, I don't even want to describe this movie because it is time spent NOT watching this movie. Time that is a waste of time, because CrossOver is the only way to spend your time.

The best TAMP movie I've seen: $$$$$

Edit:
Whoops, I should probably mention that the reason this is the ultimate TAMP movie, is the gigantic amounts of unintentionally funny antics and dialog that go on. The situations are so ridiculous and the fact that everything works out is just so awesome. I mean I know all movies have that, but this movie masters it.

Oh, and it has the girl from Americas Top Model, my GIRLFRIEND(WHO I HAVE SEX WITH) had to tell me that, which leads me to believe she's a copraphiliac. Because that show is completely shit

Bro's Before Blows

2008-08-13T11:59:00.001-07:00

Yep, I actually did it, I sat and watched this movie. This cinematic master piece of shit is about a somewhat pleasant brodawg who gets bullied by an unpleasant brodawg. So many elements of this movie were shoplifted from the Karate Kid 1-3 stories except for whatever ingredient made those films Totally Awesome. New kid in town who is working class that attends a rich kid school, meets a hot chick, gets beatup by schoolyard "toughs" who are in a fight club watched over by a maniacal mentor/father. After his previous boxing ability doesn't work he starts learning MMA from a foreigner (Amistad's Djimon Hounsou) this time from Brazil, not Okinawa. So yeah, basically the Karate Kid for the new era of brodawg culture that likes UFC and Rise Against.

This is worth a good laugh
$$

Gus Van Sant finally makes another good movie

2008-08-11T04:16:00.000-07:00

I was really worried that this movie would be another slow, pretentious stinker from Portland's own Gus Van Sant. After sitting through Last Days and Gerry i thought Paranoid Park was gonna follow right in line. I am very glad to say i was wrong. Sure the acting kinda sucked since he used a lot of new first timers and random kids from a casting call. But in this case it worked. The characters felt real, you know, douchebag kids being douchebag kids. Anyone who lives in Portland will appreciate the way this is shot, making the city itself a character in the film. The only thing it was truly missing were some hipsters dressing ironically 80's. Wonderfully directed with a strong simple screenplay.This movie is a must see for anyone who appreciates a good artsy indie film.

$$$$

no heroes in a half shell

2008-08-11T02:44:00.000-07:00

I would have never guessed after seeing this indie art house feature that director Steve Barron's previous films included Coneheads, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the made for TV version of Merlin. As well as being one of the most influential music video directors for such acts as Culture Club, David Bowie and everyones favorite terminally ill toddler toucher, Michael Jackson.

This movie like the Coneheads, deals with immigrants struggle in the U.S. But unlike Coneheads, the characters are from Ecuador and China, not France. The story revolves around an irritatingly shy Ecuadorean dishwasher named Jorge and his cheerful Chinese coworker Amy, whom Jorge has a crush on but is so socially awkward that he cant grow a pair and tell her he likes her. I guess the fact that he doesnt speak English very well doesn't help either. To make matters worse another coworker, who is the douchebag bully that sings constantly, is trying to cockblock him by chasing Amy (whaaat?)

Its difficult to say if I recommend this movie. Its shot well, even with the low budget. The actors were great, even a small role by Mandy Patinkin as the restaurant owner was a welcomed addition, but i would suspect most people would have turned this off quick. If you feel like an awkard pseudo love story, you may wanna try watching it.

$$$

-Awesome Adam

the most important documentary of the 21st century.........

2008-08-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

if you are a stoner. Doug Benson takes on Morgan Spurlock's 30 days idea and makes it something closer to his own heart. Marijuana. As a daily smoker he must refrain from getting high for 30 days. During this time he takes a number of different tests including lung capacity, sperm count, the SAT's, and even psychic ability. The next 30 days is spent smoking grass day and night and comparing the same tests.

I was pleasantly surprised that this was more than just a guy getting stoned and say "whoa" or whatever other cliche stoner phrase. This film even got a little political when it turns its attention on marijuana dispensaries in California and their ongoing war with the DEA who refuses to recognize California's Prop 215. I may have forgot to mention this is funny even if you aren't high right now. Its now available on dvd.

$$$

-Awesome Adam

the new action heroes.....

2008-08-09T03:10:00.001-07:00

Probably not, but Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg take on reinventing the action genre with 2 unlikely heroes(I think I'm using that word a bit loosely).

Here's the thing, if you don't like the Judd Apatow/ Seth Rogen humor, then this movie probably isn't for you. As much as it is a somewhat different style than Knocked Up and 40 Year Old Virgin, it still has that same ole Rogen character which I am fortunately not hip enough to be sick of. If you have seen the previews 1 million times like I have then you already know exactly what to expect. Its a stoner comedy, with action. I enjoyed this movie, mostly because James Franco takes a step back from being a hunk and goes back to be the funny guy some of us remember on Freaks n Geeks. Hopefully we won't have to experience another Flyboys. It didn't hurt either that the supporting cast included Craig Robinson (Darryl from "The Office") as a sensitive hitman and Danny McBride (Foot Fist Way) as the dealers dealer.

I recommend this to any Apatow fan.
i rate Pineapple Express 2 bros before a ho
$$$
-Awesome Adam

a lesson in manners

2008-08-09T02:44:00.000-07:00

Its hard to fathom that a writer director would want to do the same movie twice, other than when Billy Bob Thornton took his short film 'Some Folks Call it a Sling Blade" and later turned it into a full length feature. Believe it or not, German director Michael Haneke brings us a remake of his own 1997 film with the same title "Funny Games".

First off the acting is flawless. Naomi Watts and Tim Roth's performances are so spot on that you almost believe that Hedwig sodomizer Michael Pitt and my fellow Arizona native Brady Corbet are truly terrorizing them. The pace of the film as well as the lack of a musical score help make a person feel uneasy watching this, and I mean that in a good way. If only they would have cut out the "rewind" scene (you will see, or know what i mean) than this could have been one of my favorite movies this year. Unfortunately that one part that is only 1 minute out of 1 hour 45 minutes, is so aggravating that it killed the mood, or "harshed my mellow".

Luckily the brilliance of Naomi Watts keeps this movie ranking high above most everything I have seen this year. go rent it.

i give Funny Games 32 out of 35 eeny meenies
$$$$

-Awesome Adam

A little Mad Max, a little Escape From New York, a little 28 Days Later, TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

2008-08-08T23:16:00.001-07:00

Neil Marshall has done no wrong. His first cinematic venture, Dog Soldiers, brought us a fresh take on the werewolf genre. Then he scared the crap out of anyone that ever might have even considered the notion that they could, perhaps, maybe, be a little bit claustrophobic with The Descent. Now we are graced with his fromage (yes, I meant to say that) to all of the bad-ass 80s post apocalyptic sci-fi/action extravanganzas that we all knew and loved as children. Let's get the plot out of the way. Scotland, plague, wall, almost everyone left to die, 30 years later the plague resurfaces in London ghettos. Of course Big Brother still has to spy, even on those left for dead, and realizes there are survivors in Glasgow. A top secret mission is enacted, and a totally tough, and hot chick, who happens to be one of the few evvacuees from the original outbreak, is sent in to find the cure. The plot is out there and goes way further out there, bu I don't want to ruin it for you, because this movie is TOTALLY AWESOME!!! Decapitations, cannibalism, over the top action and acting from Malcolm McDowell (and even more-so by the man who plays his son) and a good turn by always awesome Bob Hoskins, make for a wonderful time and a great addition to any Totally Awesome Movie Party. Suggested pairing would be The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2. By the end of this amazing ride both my sweet self and my lovely Lisa were riding the edges of our seats with our hott a$$es. Yeah, that good. $$$$$ - TOTALLY AWESOME MOVIE!!!! The utmost recommendation to anyone that isn't a totial douchebag that would rather watch Never Back Down.

The Bugs Are Back, and So Am I!

2008-08-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

I love Starship Troopers! I saw the original in the theater the weekend it came out, not knowing anything about it, other than what I saw in the preview. What we got was a hardcore, R-rated, Sci-fi/Action flick, full of blood, guts, social satire, and bugs! Let's not forget the stellar cast of Casper Van Dien, Denise Reichards, Neil Patrick Harris, and Michael Ironside. Only Lt. (now Co.) Johnny Rico, played by the excellent Casper Van Dien, returns in what is part 3, but essentially the true sequel to the original. Where Starship Troopers 2 took the franchise in a more intimate, but still interesting direction, Starship Troopers 3 takes us back the planet hopping, bug battlin', Federation of the original. Unfortunatley this is done on a much smaller budget. Like as in they gave Casper Van Dien $5 and a ham sandwich to be in this movie. Its not unlike a Sci-Fi Pictures Original Movie, as far as production values and effects. Actually its just a smidge above Lexx. Fortunately, the script is there; this comes from the same writer as the other 2 films, this time he directs as well, and is produced by the director of the original, the man who brought us Total Recall, Robocop, Basic Instinct, and SHOWGIRLS!!! It also features plenty of the totally awesome, Federation Network News segments. Co. Johnny Rico is the hero of Planet P, but after a bug invasion, and a suprise visit from his former wing buddy and bed buddy, played by Jolene Blalock and her fiancce, the new General, he finds himself on trial for treason. When his finacee goes missing, the execution is off, and Rico is on the case of finding her. Featuring plenty of gore, bugs, and new bug weapons, like bug bombs, scorpions, and a brain brain bug?!?!? Starship Troopers 3 is the true sequel to the original albiet on a Troma level budget. Ok not that cheap....

Per the old TAMP ratings system, $$$$- great, not quite awesome, but a damn fine film

beastiality amongst aristocrats and a one eyed midget, damnit, i mean dwarf

2008-08-08T03:20:00.000-07:00

This month we pay tribute to the most important people in film. Dwarves. Here is yet another film with the magical Peter Dinklage, who is not only little in this film, but only has one eye. I know what you're thinking, you think he's a one dimensional actor because he always plays a little person. I have a feeling that he will soon branch out and no longer be typecast, but only time will tell.

Now on to the movie I suppose. Its ok, its ehh. You know, kinda cute, safe for kids. Christina Ricci has a pig nose and ears but most of us would still hit it. Its kinda like the movie Bubble Boy, but not awesome and no Eses. Its not a complete waste of time.

i give this 1/2 Morningstar faux bacon strip
$$

-Awesome Adam

2 hearthrobs, a fat man, and a racist midget.......... i mean uhhhh little person

2008-08-08T01:44:00.000-07:00

I cant believe Colin Farrell finally made a movie I enjoyed. I gave him too many chances in the past (like 2) and was always bummed with the movie, not so much the performance. I'm definitely not one of those guys that hates actors because they are pretty or hot, or pretty hot ( I still watch Tom Cruise, yikes).

This party is for the British black comedy IN BRUGES starring Colin Farrell, Ralph Fiennes, Brendan Gleeson and cinema's new Tatu, Peter Dinklage. Directed and written by Martin McDonagh in his first full length feature.

This movie comes complete with gore, racist jokes, skinhead emasculation, hot European female lead, one liners, and last but not least.....

Peter Dinklage, the Spencer Tracy of Dwarves. So go rent it.

i give this film 3 "da plane, da planes"
$$

- Awesome Adam

So there is hope for Colin Farrell after all. A couple years ago you couldn't turn on the TV without seeing a trailer for the new Colin Farrell shit-fest. It was getting so bad that I never even bothered watching his Miami Vice movie and I fucking loved that show as a kid. Well, it looks like ol' Colin finally scored that breakthrough role. Right now you're probably saying to yourself "Breakthrough role? My dear sir, Colin has been a leading man in Hollywood for a few years now." Well this role, dearest reader of the TAMP-ONline blogspot, this role broke Colin through to my heart. I fucking love this guy now. In fact, I love everyone who played in this movie. Ralph Fiennes (yeah I saw The English Patient." Booooooring!) also brokethrough here for me as well. Even the old, big-boned hitman (*checks IMDB) Brendan Gleeson. I know I've seen that red-faced motherfucker in movies before but this role was one that I will never forget. And don't even get me started on the midg... dwar... little dude.

I give this movie: two bloody irish hearts way up!

-Zacaroo Bonzai

Not even Tim Allen could ruin this movie

2008-08-08T00:13:00.000-07:00

Today we focus on "REDBELT" the newest action-drama by playwright, director, screenwriter David Mamet, starring the impressive Chiwetel Ejiofor and a rare dramatic role for Tim Allen.

When i first heard about this I expected it to be every brodawg's wet dream. Since the rise of the UFC you've actually had to be careful of jocky douchebags putting you in an armbar if you spill their bottle of Xyience(thats a drink, right?). Luckily it was written and directed by David Mamet and not Dana White (the bro'z know). I almost cant describe the movie without giving it away, and I know that no one saw since it only made $2 million nationally. I guess I could say its about a man who does whatever he can to stay incoruptable, no matter what the circumstance.

I give David Mamet's Redbelt, a Black Belt
$$$$$- TOTALLY AWESOME MOVIE!!!!!

-Awesome Adam

Ah yes, Redbelt. What a refreshing kick to the groin this flick was. Is it a kung-fu movie? Is it a drama? Is it an urban-action extravaganza? Slow down there. Sure there is plenty of ass kicking but the films strengths lay within its dramatic plot twists, something not usually associated with American kung-fu movies. Watching a karate movie written and directed by David Mamet is kinda like watching a buddy cop movie written by... some other famous writer (I should read more). I guess what I'm getting at is that when you watch an action movie you don't go for the intelligent dialogue or intense dramatic character development. Well this movie has those things and it works. It makes me wonder: what if David Mamet had written scripts for Steven Seagal or Van Damme?

I give this movie: two crane kicks to the cosmos.

-Zacaroo Bonzai